Positively Balanced LLC

Bridging the gap in women's health

Mental Health

You’re Not a Fraud, You’re Just Experiencing Imposter Syndrome

Intellectual Health, Mental Health

If you have a teenager at home, you may be familiar with the term “imposter” from the game Among Us. Among Us is a multiplayer game that can be played across platforms and networks that involves communication, task completion, and deception. In the game, you guess who a crewmate is and who is an imposter, similar to playing the live party game Mafia, before the imposters kill the entire crew. This is where the term “sus” came from, as in “orange is totally sus(pect)” to be the imposter. As an imposter, your job is to be on the down low and blend in without being caught.

Recently, I have been feeling very imposter-like, especially at work. It’s been very quiet (knocks on wood) so I haven’t had a lot of injuries to deal with. Doing my job brings me my sense of worth. In the past 3 weeks or so, I’ve had a handful of minor injuries pop up that I’ve easily dealt with and received praise from parents for helping their kids. I graciously receive their praise but inside I’m telling myself “I’m just doing my job” or “yea, but I did the bare minimum” or “someone else could have done a better job”. As a millennial that works with and enjoys mocking said teenagers, in my brain I’m totally sus.

Imposter syndrome is believing that you aren’t as competent as others think you are or as competent as you should be, usually based on intelligence or achievement. It is completely internal and can affect anyone. It’s not telling yourself that you’d like to get more education, it’s telling yourself you have a master’s degree, why aren’t you performing any better than this. It’s constantly doubting your abilities to complete tasks, even though you’ve been doing the same job for five years. It’s only feeling successful when you achieve external validation and beating yourself up when you don’t meet your own high standards. It’s over preparing, over explaining, and working harder than necessary to cover up your feelings of fraud. It’s “being lucky” or “in the right place at the right time” that contributes to your success. And it’s overwhelming.

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Imposter syndrome tends to be a high achiever trait, and approximately 70 percent of all adults will experience it at some point in their life. Perfectionism is a closely related trait, where people feel like they have to be performing at 110% and firing on all cylinders at all times. Sometimes imposter syndrome can be triggered by failure or achievement like getting a promotion. While both men and women experience imposter syndrome, it tends to be more prevalent in women, especially women of color. Society has told women that in order to succeed and be seen, we must be exceptional at all times and show no faults. We must be better than everyone else in order to deserve our position. This is simply not true. Our fears are valid, we are imperfect beings, we are human. We can only do our best with our resources and knowledge we have and learn from our mistakes and reach for our goals.

Last year (2019) was the first time I did an end of year reflection and review. I was amazed at the things I had accomplished and survived through, even though many of the items on my list were small. Unlike previous years when I finished big things like grad school or getting my first big girl job, I was still super proud of myself for having things like, I finished my third half marathon, or I got a dog. Toward the end of 2020, one of the tasks my therapist and I came up with was to start celebrating small victories and accomplishments, even if it was just doing the dishes. High five yourself, do a little happy dance, come up with a reward system that works for you. Sometimes I get so caught up in the future and things I have not yet accomplished that I feel worthless for not starting those tasks yet. It is a vicious cycle of feeling like you’re not enough and wanting to be so much more.

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Here are some things you can do to bring yourself out of an imposter period.

·         Staying focused on your own achievements and only compare you to yourself is one way to overcome imposter syndrome. Doing a regular reflection and review can be helpful, whether it’s daily, monthly, or yearly.

·         Share your feelings with a trusted friend. When you don’t share, the feelings gnaw at you. Plus, a friend can help you recognize your abilities.

·         Take smaller bites. Just because you can chew with a full mouth does not mean you’re doing it gracefully or that you could keep doing that meal after meal. Smaller bites make big goals or projects easier to digest and help you recognize the small successes you have achieved.

·         Stop comparing yourself to others. I hear this one constantly and honestly, it’s almost not helpful anymore. I know not to compare to others because everyone has different life goals. What becomes difficult is seeing everyone’s “normal” life on social media and comparing to that. Most of the time, people only post the good and the best things in their life, leaving behind the negative and the average. Limit your time on social media. If you’re having a particularly difficult imposter time, get off of social media entirely

1.       https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/imposter-syndrome

2.       https://www.verywellmind.com/imposter-syndrome-and-social-anxiety-disorder-4156469#what-is-imposter-syndrome

3.       https://www.apa.org/gradpsych/2013/11/fraud

4.       https://www.npr.org/2021/01/22/959656202/5-steps-to-shake-the-feeling-that-youre-an-impostor

You’re Not a Fraud, You’re Just Experiencing Imposter Syndrome

Intellectual Health, Mental Health

If you have a teenager at home, you may be familiar with the term “imposter” from the game Among Us. Among Us is a multiplayer game that can be played across platforms and networks that involves communication, task completion, and deception. In the game, you guess who a crewmate is and who is an imposter, similar to playing the live party game Mafia, before the imposters kill the entire crew. This is where the term “sus” came from, as in “orange is totally sus(pect)” to be the imposter. As an imposter, your job is to be on the down low and blend in without being caught.

Recently, I have been feeling very imposter-like, especially at work. It’s been very quiet (knocks on wood) so I haven’t had a lot of injuries to deal with. Doing my job brings me my sense of worth. In the past 3 weeks or so, I’ve had a handful of minor injuries pop up that I’ve easily dealt with and received praise from parents for helping their kids. I graciously receive their praise but inside I’m telling myself “I’m just doing my job” or “yea, but I did the bare minimum” or “someone else could have done a better job”. As a millennial that works with and enjoys mocking said teenagers, in my brain I’m totally sus.

Imposter syndrome is believing that you aren’t as competent as others think you are or as competent as you should be, usually based on intelligence or achievement. It is completely internal and can affect anyone. It’s not telling yourself that you’d like to get more education, it’s telling yourself you have a master’s degree, why aren’t you performing any better than this. It’s constantly doubting your abilities to complete tasks, even though you’ve been doing the same job for five years. It’s only feeling successful when you achieve external validation and beating yourself up when you don’t meet your own high standards. It’s over preparing, over explaining, and working harder than necessary to cover up your feelings of fraud. It’s “being lucky” or “in the right place at the right time” that contributes to your success. And it’s overwhelming.

Imposter syndrome tends to be a high achiever trait, and approximately 70 percent of all adults will experience it at some point in their life. Perfectionism is a closely related trait, where people feel like they have to be performing at 110% and firing on all cylinders at all times. Sometimes imposter syndrome can be triggered by failure or achievement like getting a promotion. While both men and women experience imposter syndrome, it tends to be more prevalent in women, especially women of color. Society has told women that in order to succeed and be seen, we must be exceptional at all times and show no faults. We must be better than everyone else in order to deserve our position. This is simply not true. Our fears are valid, we are imperfect beings, we are human. We can only do our best with our resources and knowledge we have and learn from our mistakes and reach for our goals.

Last year (2019) was the first time I did an end of year reflection and review. I was amazed at the things I had accomplished and survived through, even though many of the items on my list were small. Unlike previous years when I finished big things like grad school or getting my first big girl job, I was still super proud of myself for having things like, I finished my third half marathon, or I got a dog. Toward the end of 2020, one of the tasks my therapist and I came up with was to start celebrating small victories and accomplishments, even if it was just doing the dishes. High five yourself, do a little happy dance, come up with a reward system that works for you. Sometimes I get so caught up in the future and things I have not yet accomplished that I feel worthless for not starting those tasks yet. It is a vicious cycle of feeling like you’re not enough and wanting to be so much more.

Here are some things you can do to bring yourself out of an imposter period.

·         Staying focused on your own achievements and only compare you to yourself is one way to overcome imposter syndrome. Doing a regular reflection and review can be helpful, whether it’s daily, monthly, or yearly.

·         Share your feelings with a trusted friend. When you don’t share, the feelings gnaw at you. Plus, a friend can help you recognize your abilities.

·         Take smaller bites. Just because you can chew with a full mouth does not mean you’re doing it gracefully or that you could keep doing that meal after meal. Smaller bites make big goals or projects easier to digest and help you recognize the small successes you have achieved.

·         Stop comparing yourself to others. I hear this one constantly and honestly, it’s almost not helpful anymore. I know not to compare to others because everyone has different life goals. What becomes difficult is seeing everyone’s “normal” life on social media and comparing to that. Most of the time, people only post the good and the best things in their life, leaving behind the negative and the average. Limit your time on social media. If you’re having a particularly difficult imposter time, get off of social media entirely

1.       https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/imposter-syndrome

2.       https://www.verywellmind.com/imposter-syndrome-and-social-anxiety-disorder-4156469#what-is-imposter-syndrome

3.       https://www.apa.org/gradpsych/2013/11/fraud

4.       https://www.npr.org/2021/01/22/959656202/5-steps-to-shake-the-feeling-that-youre-an-impostor

The Big Breakups of 2020

Mental Health, Physical Health

I had two big breakups this year–I left my husband and I broke up with all my fitness trackers. Both were relationships that started out with the best of intentions, lots of fun, love, and new ways to see my life. However, one became controlling, demanding, constricting, dulled my shine, consumed my thoughts and actions all day-every day-365, and greatly impacted/plagued my marital & pre-marital relationship. 

Now, I know that one of those is bigger than the other but both are huge in my world. Why? I have struggled and battled with an eating disorder for roughly twenty-five years. Nearly double the amount of time I was with my husband.While leaving my husband turned my life upside down, topsy turvy, and I felt like my world had shattered (even though it was MY choice to leave due to my unhappiness), at the same time I left my fitness tracker relationship when it was, and always had been, my safety net. 

Fitness trackers and their associated apps are the biggest tool used in the fitness industry. If you have done anything with a personal trainer or spent any time in the gym, chances are you were told to log your workouts and food. Fitbits and Smart Watches are the must have accessory in your athleisure wardrobe–a band to match each set of leggings and fully charged battery to make sure that you can get that WHOLE workout logged, because if it isn’t logged or tracked then it didn’t happen. This mentality fuels those of us with EDs. Even though I have been in recovery for some time, there were still moments I got sucked into the glorious world of scanning barcodes, counting macros, steps, and closing my rings. 

Those of us with eating disorders, disordered eating or other addictions, no matter how far along in our recovery journey we are–we still rely or fall prey to the sneaky charms of our disorder/addiction. I knew the moment I left my husband that I’d be a prime target for relapse. My ED (eating disorder) would be stalking me like a panther and would pounce when I was having a binge and alcohol fueled melt down alone in my bed. Or when my anxiety would pop in just to say “no one will love you now that you’re divorced, they’ll only love you if you’re thin and pretty. You’re just used goods now.”  

Over the course of later 2019 and pre pandemic 2020, I had begun my journey of intuitive eating and was pretty consistent with it. It was hard to go from a structured diet to a more relaxed and attuned way of feeding myself. Listening to my body and fueling it in the way it was really needing to be was freeing albeit scary. Sometimes I was eating more. Sometimes I was eating less. After a few days I’d find myself tracking again. But then I’d stop it because I started liking how I felt when I wasn’t tracking my food. It was one less thing to worry about, and as someone with anxiety I worry about anything and everything. My body felt nourished and free even though I wasn’t feeling free in all the ways I longed to be. 

When I left my husband last year and began life on my own I felt my eating disorder creeping back into my life. Relapse was rearing its ugly head but I was determined to stay ahead of the curve. While I was still doing intuitive eating and listening to my body; I kept logging my food and wearing my smart watch. I justified my behavior because I was free eating, let myself go out to eat with friends, I didn’t track ALL my food, sometimes I skipped days because I was emotionally and mentally drowning and had no energy (dissolving of a ten year relationship will do that to you), and I kept telling myself it was ok if I didn’t close my rings–even though internally I was berating myself. 

I felt comforted by these numbers, rings, and badges. It made me feel in control and powerful amidst a chaotic situation that I willingly put myself into. While my world was crumbling, I was trying to figure out who I was while reclaiming my body and time, my eating disorder brought me comfort. The thing about eating disorders and addictions is that they have a way to manipulate you into thinking you’re still on track and “doing a good job” and that if you get back into their good graces it’ll bring peace back to your life;  but when in reality you are just in quasi recovery–which isn’t a bad thing, it’s still recovery but it’s not quite as liberating as true recovery is.

It wasn’t till a really good friend of mine brought to my attention how reliant I became on my smart watch. It was a weekend we were together and I kept checking it–emails, texts, did I hit my 10k steps?, I didn’t close my exercise or move rings but I didn’t think about it because we’d had a blast together. They’d noticed that I would track a few bites of food when we were together. They didn’t like that I wasn’t fully present with them and that maybe if I unplug a bit I can work on my post separation/divorce intention of becoming more present. Which is precisely what our addiction does not want: us taking our attention away from them and focusing on others, or finding other enjoyable activities. 

So I slowly started taking a step back from my devices. I only wore my watch when I was teaching class. I went from tracking most days of the week to only a few. I went from logging each meal to just two then just one and now NONE! With each day I didn’t log or each day I chose not to wear my watch I felt empowered. It reiterated my intention of reclaiming my body and becoming a strong, independent female. I haven’t logged a meal or tracked a workout in over two months. And to be honest, I didn’t think I could feel this good and free. So here’s to 2021 and to the continuation of building healthy relationships with food, exercise, myself, and others. 

That’s My Plate! I Don’t Know You!!

Mental Health

     I don’t know what it was that bothered me more, the nerve or the confidence to criticize the amount of food on my plate. I found it odd, coming from a man I just met with a waistline thicker than my own. Like, “Sorry, guy! My partner and I just drove fourteen hours to the rehearsal for your daughter’s lavish wedding that, upon arrival, you decided you no longer needed my partner in after all. Yet, you have a problem with paying for his wedding attire you demanded he buy and now you also have a problem with me and the food on my plate.” Perhaps I was stuffing my mouth to silence myself. “Keep quiet my gal, this is not the time to offend family members” I must have been thinking as the anger inside me rattled like the end of a rattlesnake just before it strikes.  

         I’ve been using food to cope since childhood, probably since the second grade to be exact. At 28, I no longer compulsively eat although I still have a tendency to overeat – a true American, perhaps. In truth, this was how I learned to soothe myself at a very young age, not having the resources to deal with or understand the experiences and feelings stored inside me. I had severe anxiety back then but no words to express it. I puked on my desk the day of our first spelling test in first grade, stressed to the max and now full of shame. Our teacher had made sure to hammer down on us; it was the importance of doing well. Other kids must have handled it better, not myself, obviously. I internalized the pressure to a degree that might as well have had me thinking “My whole college career depends on this.” I was only 6.

On the verge of 21 in the spring of 2012 I’d played drums filling in for a couple bands on some tours back to back. The first was a band from Texas doing an East coast run and the second was a band from Iowa headed for the West coast. During the latter, I’d come across a bakery that had the most delicious cupcakes I’d ever consumed and so I didn’t buy just one (read: I didn’t eat just one.) The vocalist’s wife had made a comment about it. She was married, thin and beautiful; on tour with her husband’s band. For her it was a vacation. I was short and stubby, single, getting to live out my dreams of being a touring drummer having adventures of my own. I remember the shame; I called my mother on the phone that day and cried. Eating fast food from truck stops and elsewhere a couple months straight led me to stepping on the scale upon returning home; I weighed more than I ever had. I spent a year trying to lose, subconsciously assuming that if I was smaller that would mean my relationship with food would be changed thus I’d essentially be fixed forever. It was the only problem I had, that is literally what I thought! I lost twenty pounds, got compliments, and was simultaneously realizing the depths of the psychological distress arising within. I’d been going to Yoga school and learned about other lifestyles and Eastern philosophies. Suddenly, I began to question my own as I peeled back layer upon layer of indoctrination and wondered who I was.

         I had several boyfriends over the years following and the agony of leaving one would send me crawling into bed with another. I started dating a pilot; I daydreamed about the romance and adventure we could have. That was short lived, though the pain was not – the  wick of a flickering candle had been blown out. I found myself in deep grief, after all, I had left a man I’d been dating for over two years for this new guy – this guy that smelled good and had a cool career, this guy who told me he could meet my need for quality time and affection. But it was quite the opposite – and for the first time I remained thin with grief without trying. I didn’t want to eat. I was disgusted with my choices and shocked at how things had turned out. As the relationship degenerated I felt a pressure to maintain thinness. Phrases like “I should get a free pass with Jennifer Lawrence” and “If you saw the flight attendants you wouldn’t be worried” rang in my head over and over every time I waited on him to return home from his work base in New York. How could I not think about these things? Jennifer Lawrence is beautiful, and between that and all the porn he watches how could I possibly compete? And, if he had different flight attendants, would I have to worry then? He mentioned he’d cleaned out and organized the backpack that goes on all the traveling, yet he hadn’t removed a condom from the front pocket. We used it because it was the only one available. And so it was, I willingly slept with a man I didn’t trust. I wanted a husband desperately; what I actually wanted was to be loved in a relationship that was stable, one where I wasn’t crying every other day and he wasn’t giving me the silent treatment every week. But I thought marriage would mean stability and security. So I stayed a few more months thinking we could get back to the way things were in the beginning. We women do these things sometimes. We mean well, I know it.

         During that time my sister got married; we told the makeup artist we wanted a natural look, we barely wear makeup as it is and when we do it’s only to the extent of mascara and eyeliner. I came out looking like someone else. And that someone else was gorgeous, indeed. I knew I could never pull that off on my own and so I resented it. I resented it because once the ceremony was over compliments began pouring in from family members and friends, “You look so beautiful! I didn’t even recognize you!” Included with that was also the pilot’s response, “I kept waiting for you to walk down the aisle like the rest of the bridesmaids but then I realized that hot chick was you.” People thought I was healthy because I was thin but, in reality, mentally and emotionally I was in a very painful place. 

With the pressure perpetuating something unsustainable there came a deep need to rebel and I started gaining back my regular weight. Some years have passed since then and along with them that relationship as well as others with men, women, religion, clients, and parts of myself. It is evident nonetheless that I still have lessons to learn regarding myself such as unconditional love and interactions with others like ending the tendency to put another’s feelings above my own when it’s at my expense.

         I had been working at a male client’s home and I was rinsing the mop water when he arrived. We greeted each other and then he reached out with both hands, grabbing my belly flesh. It was covered by a pink shirt and it poured over a black belt. “Cut back on the hotdogs” he said as he laughed. I’d felt cute that day. The irony was that after nearly eight years without it, I had just started eating meat again. I’ve survived so much this year. A pandemic. Taking an acquaintance-turned-cyber stalker to court in hopes of getting a protective order because of him threatening to come to my business, writing about how he must see me so we can talk, thinking the album my band came out with in the spring was about him and that I exist to love him unconditionally. As well as getting into the first and hopefully only physical fight of my life, punching a family member in the face out of self-defense as another family member lay on their deathbed, just minutes before taking their last breath. But none of that mattered – none of that was known. It was just me and my belly pudge cleaning this man’s home. I shrunk, frozen. Instead of walking away, I said “I kinda like it! Don’t you!?” Perhaps you can guess what came next, “Well, how does your partner feel about it?”

It is 2020 and I weigh the most I ever have. I like myself. My partner is  attracted to me. I’m a lucky woman. I read somewhere recently about how women are taught, directly and indirectly, to busy themselves with their looks from a very early age. Just think of all the money that goes into marketing and advertising to us all the way up into our elder years!  We spend hours of our life and whatever financial resources we have to reduce or enhance our breasts, to cut, color and straighten or curl our hair, to make sure our armpits and crotches smell or don’t smell a certain way, to cover up differences on our skin like freckles or pimples.  Sometimes we even bleach our assholes, shave off our pubic hair, and remove portions of labia, as well as removing the intangible like our dreams and values.

We go to such great lengths, yet none of these things are inherently right or wrong.  It’s just that, at the end of the day, after time and money spent, it is still a man with a thicker waistline than my own telling me what to do about mine. It’s someone letting me know that something about me is unacceptable, something that has nothing to do with them. It sends a message loud and clear: I’m not good enough as I am. Will I ever be? For some people, no. And here’s where the cycle of self-loathing typically continues. But for myself, as I type these words with a belly spilling over the top of the belt my fabulous mother gifted me, yes. Yes, I am enough, thank you.

About the writer:

Sherona Espinosa is a writer and musician from the Great Plains.

Saying Yes and No in Codependency

Mental Health

This article has been a long time coming. It’s been on my list since I first heard about Cassandra’s dream of Positively Balanced and bringing resources and content to women far and wide. I haven’t created enough space in my soul for it to expand and be shared until now. I’ve started a few times and closed my laptop without saving on PURPOSE because I didn’t feel like I was ready and my writing was garbage. Today, I sit at my keyboard ready to admit a truth to someone more than myself and my closest circle of trusted people.

Hi, my name is Sophia, and I am a recovering codependent. I am one year and three months into recovery and learning new things about myself and my codependency every day.

That felt amazing to type. I said it out loud to myself as affirmation. Codependency is a sincere struggle to me. I have realized how it has controlled much of my life to this point, as well as how it is shaping who I will become and how I will make decisions to get there.

Melody Beattie is one of the most prominent writers on codependency to date, writing her first book “Codependent No More” in 1986, which I have linked below. In this book she defines codependency as “one who lets another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.” This is her definition, but she encourages those exploring codependency to come up with their own definition of how codependency affects them personally. I define codependency as a progressive disorder related to a person’s reactionary behavior toward another person’s behaviors and/or habits. The obsession to control, change, or manipulate the other person’s habits often creates no actual change and results in neutral or negative effects in the codependent’s life.

Codependency is multifaceted and definitely can’t be wholly addressed in one article. I’d like to start with a simple aspect that has a big impact on me personally. One of the things I struggle with in my codependency is saying yes and no to different opportunities that present themselves. When someone asks for my help on a project or to move something, I almost always say yes. I mean, there is no filter I just say yes because that is what is expected of me. This has been hard to teach myself to think about the task being asked of me and ask questions like “am I genuinely doing this because I want to? Is there any benefit to me? Is this part of my job? Do I have time? Is this person trying to take advantage of me?” If I can respond positively to questions like these, I say yes to the person. Sometimes it takes me a long time to process my response and it looks like I am stalling, but I’m just doing what’s best for me. This is hardest with people I’m closest with, like my mom. Do you know what it’s like to process a question like “can you stop at the store and grab milk on your way over” just because your mom asked you to? It’s a ridiculous feeling because I am not going to tell my mom no to that. But it IS a good space to practice your filtering questions.

For me, saying no is a different problem entirely. After a lifetime of saying “no” to things because I wanted to meet OTHER PEOPLE’S expectations of what I should be and look like, I have wrestled with myself to do the things I want. I have waited for permission to do things because heaven forbid, I have a mind of my own. I have walked on eggshells around people to not offend with my voice, telling myself “no, it’s better for you to remain uncomfortable than make other people uncomfortable.” And of course, my personal favorite and one I am most guilty of on the daily, “no, this is fine.” I have never sent food back at a restaurant in my life. I know on paper and in conversations in my head that these situations are ridiculous, but when I am actually experiencing them, my brain reverts back to its lizard self and it’s fight or flight ONLY. No rationalization or relating to previous experience, only run.

I write this as we are in the holiday season. The season of giving to others and meeting expectations can be very trying to codependents. I have seen several posts on social media about how COVID-19 is a great excuse to tell people “no” this year. Being more mindful of my actions and words, I know this is not the best thing to do because, well, it’s an excuse. Take time to reflect on your responses as we come into a new year, a new season, and a new perspective of yourself.

In the past year or so of knowledge digging, reading copious amounts of books, therapy, and reflection, I have taken steps forward and steps backward. I have changed my perspective in several relationships and habits. I have worked on putting the focus of my response to what should be easy “yes” and “no” questions on me instead of the other person. It is still a daily effort for me. There are a lot of things I haven’t even addressed yet and haven’t found the courage to do so. If you’re looking for your “thing” today to help you say no, or yes, or complete the task, or get out of a situation, let this be it. 

Losing Control and Regaining it

Mental Health

This past week has been… one for the books. I have fully transitioned into the next season of sports, which apparently made my brain switch gears from being on top of everything and productive to “how do I do my job again?” The weather has fully changed so my normal running schedule is no longer 9am and 70°, it’s cold enough that I shorten my walk with my dogs and question if I really need to stay on my training schedule for that half marathon that is… let me check my schedule really quick… on Sunday. Where has my time gone? I swear this semester just started, my training schedule just started, the pandemic just started. And somehow, we’ve finished the first week of November. I am exhausted.

I had started two articles prior to this one, well in advance of a previous due date. Which I still missed. They’re still in my drafts. I was rolling on them and the second I looked away, my momentum was completely lost. I’ve had one of them left open on my laptop for at least a week, adding maybe one new sentence or moving a few words around. Up until this morning, I was still determined to finish writing it for this deadline. But then, while in the shower listening to a Brené Brown podcast, I realized that nothing is more important than this exact moment. I have been procrastinating on not tasks, but processing. Processing information, processing emotions, processing my place in space at this time. I have said “I’ll deal with it tomorrow” too much. Tomorrow turns into next week, and next week turns into next season. So, let’s do some processing.

I am so incredibly grateful that my school made it through the fall season practically unscathed by the coronavirus. We did everything within our control that we could. We had all the practices and played all the games. Many schools in our area were not so lucky. I am also grateful for my close friends and family’s health. They have all been healthy and have continued limiting unnecessary contact and wearing masks. We have been lucky to have had this experience, because as Captain Picard states, “it is possible to make no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness, that is life.” For a new normal, life has been very good, yet still seemed well out of my control. When I reflect on the fall season, we did everything we could, and that’s all we could ask for.

Lesson: Control the things you can, let go of everything else.

My race season was cancelled, so I stopped running. I kept telling myself, you can be even better next year if you keep running now, but that wasn’t enough to get me off the couch. I kept saying this over and over, becoming more disappointed in myself. I love running, even though I’m not fast, because it made me feel great and helped relax other aspects of my life. Here I was, not doing the one thing that I knew I needed to get over a hump. One of the local race organizers recognized the need in our community to replace the fall full- and half-marathon schedule and as soon as I saw it, I signed up. I signed up knowing that I wouldn’t be able to get a full training cycle in before the race. I signed up knowing I hadn’t moved my body consistently in almost three months. I signed up saying screw it, you’re getting a half marathon in this year and I don’t care if you walk it. I signed up. And that was it. I started running barely three miles three times a week. I pushed myself to the limits of what I felt I could handle instead of following a training plan. By the time I synced up with my normal training plan, I realized I had been pushing myself harder than I needed to on shorter runs but needed to keep stretching out my long runs. I felt more prepared going into the race. I didn’t complete all my training, I completely forgot about cross training or the extra stretching and yoga I had planned to make this season the best yet; I just ran. For the first time, I trained without headphones. I just ran to process, to be in the moment. And it has been my best season yet.

Lesson: Commit to a minimum percent, and it might carry you through to great success. If nothing else, you started and that matters.

By the time this is published, the election will be over. It came right after the half marathon I ran and just as I started my period, a perfect storm of binge eating. My brain said, “you have been working really hard,  you need to replenish those calories you burned” while simultaneously whispering “oh yea and this thing is happening and you find it very stressful and we just can’t deal with stress right now, eat that Halloween candy. All of it.” I’m sure you can picture the rest. I’m not here to debate candy corn, but I ate an entire bag over the course of 2 days. And pretzles. And cheese crackers. By the time I regained control, my mouth was sore from the amount of sugar I had consumed, I felt like garbage, and thought I looked like a garbage bag as well. Thank the Lord my therapist started taking in-person appointments again and ended our session asking about a few things, including binge eating. I was honest, I told her I just ran a half-marathon plus stress plus period, but it was enough of a wake-up call to recognize “hey, you are binge eating. And in case you were wondering, you’re covering this in class this week, so check out that slide!” With a popcorn kernel in my candy rotted teeth.

Lesson: Recognize where you’re having trouble, seek help, and rise up to meet a better path.

These last many months have been “unprecedented” as I keep hearing repeated over and over, weird, trying, wholesome, a gift, a sadness, a frustration; a multitude of things that can be hard to process. There is so much going on that it’s hard to keep track of anything, let alone yourself and your family. Seek serenity. Make changes in what you control and recognize what falls outside of that; let it go. Commit to start. The first step of running a race is putting on your shoes on day one of training. Set yourself up for success with the tiny steps that take you to your goals. And when you are unsure of how to get there, ask a friend, seek a professional, and explore the amazing variety of ways to get there. If you spend three hours exploring and planning ways to achieve your goals or even just WHAT your goals are you have started something in your control. Take that moment when you realize it and RUN.

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