As Queen Lizzo sings:

‘Cause I’m my own soulmate (Yeah, yeah)

I know how to love me (Love me)

I know that I’m always gonna hold me down

Yeah, I’m my own soulmate (Yeah, yeah)

No, I’m never lonely (Lonely)

I know I’m a queen but I don’t need no crown

Look up in the mirror like damn she the one

She is on to something here, we are our own soulmates and to be complete we don’t need another person. It’s a hard truth to accept and fully lean into when our society values relationships. It makes sense. If we look at relationships through a sociological and anthropological lens, they serve a function. Relationships build societies, culture, create safety and protection, and serve a purpose of reproduction. Humans are social beings and part of that socialness is that of building relationships–especially those who we want to “settle down” with. 

If you’ve been in any form of couples counseling or have heard anything about healthy relationships, it’s important to be your own person and to love yourself. To know who you are outside of your relationship. It kind of reminds me of the infamous RuPaul quote, “If you can’t love yourself how the hell you going to love anyone else?”. There is so much truth and power in her outro. For years I watched Drag Race and was like that’s such a nice sentiment. But it wasn’t until I turned thirty, started to connect to myself, and eventually leaving my marriage, did I learn how to truly love myself. I thought I was loving myself but I wasn’t. 

I thought loving myself was taking care of others–my clients, my family, my husband. Serving them and putting their needs and wants before my own. I was raised with the adage that it’s kind to serve others and to put your husband first. 

I thought loving myself was making myself small and not taking up space. To not be a pain or burden to those around me. When I was in the midst of a gastro flare up I would do all I could to take care of it myself and not ask for help. Even if I was writhing on the floor puking my guts out. I took care of my recovery and even when my eating disorder voice wanted me to relapse and that area was looking very gray, I just kept it all to myself. Not to worry others or make their situations or stress seem less. 

I thought loving myself was making myself presentable for others. Dressing and adorning myself in a way they wanted me to appear. Covering myself and not coloring my hair or doing things that I always wanted. But still treating myself to spa days, manis and pedis, and treating myself to clothes. 

But this was pseudo self love. It didn’t do anything for me. Self love is loving who you are–the good, the bad, the alright, the imperfections, the dimples, pimples, your super loud obnoxious gut laugh, and the fact that you crave attention and affection. 

I started putting myself first and doing little things that made me happy–like buying flowers. I got tired of waiting around for someone to buy me flowers. So I started buying them because I LOVE them and they make me smile. Every Sunday after my tennis lessons–another thing I started to do for myself, I bought flowers and made flower arrangements. 

I dyed my hair blue. Something I always wanted to do, but felt like I couldn’t.  I also began getting my hair done more often because it made me feel pretty and confident and I’ve been through hell and I deserve it. I started wearing crop tops and while I always ended up wearing what I wanted, I truly started living up to the fashionista I always wanted to be. 

I stood up for myself. That was the biggest self love act of all. 

Leslie Ann Ellingburg is a trauma informed movement educator based out of Tennessee. She is a certified exercise physiologist through the American College Sports Medicine (ACSM), dance teacher, a certified Yoga Instructor with over 800 hours of teaching, holds Levels 1 & 2 of the Yoga 4 Eating Disorders Mentorship Program, recently completed her trauma informed training through Yoga 4 Trauma, and is beginning to pursue her master’s degree in Public Health/Community Health. Leslie’s passion is that of recovery (eating disorder, exercise addiction, other addictions) and helping individuals reconnect to their bodies in a positive, affirming, and fun way. Her philosophy is based on the Sanskrit words, “shanti” (peace) and “leela” (play)-finding inner peace through the play and practice of Yoga. When she isn’t moving on or off her mat you can find her playing with her furbaby Winston (#dogiwinston), curating the perfect playlist, writing, practicing her photography skills, and making the best coffee a home barista can. 

Lovely readers, I’ve tried to write this piece FIVE TIMES at the very least. I can’t even remember how many others I’ve started that are just waiting to be loved on and written. 

It might be three, probably closer to five.

Why? MY EYEGLASSES WERE DIRTY.

Enter stage left, the adult female version of “If you give a mouse a cookie” style hijinks after the kids have maybe decided to sleep for the night. 

If somebody cries and needs mommy it is GAME OVER. 

Kiss the to-do list goodbye. 

If you ask an ADHD person to sit and write, well…

I sat down to write but,

My glasses were dirty.

So I got up to clean them.

The cloth is in the kitchen above the sink.

The sink is full of dirty dishes.

I need to do these dishes NOW. 

Halfway through the dishes, I start setting the coffee pot for the morning.

I could also set up the boys breakfast for the morning. 

Now the dog NEEDS to potty. 

Shoot, I’m hungry, I forgot to eat all day (yes, really) 

Start making a peanut butter sandwich, continue boys lunch prep.

Well, it couldn’t hurt to set up the crockpot for lunch right?

Dog needs back in. 

That lands me next to the dryer. 

Those clothes need folded NOW. 

Take clothes to steps and hope they make it upstairs, washcloths immediately to the bathroom.

The bathroom floor is wet from bath time. 

I can brush my teeth and wash my face while I’m in here, (ya know, self-care)

Walk around brushing my teeth because why sit still?

My left hand is still mostly free.

Check on Superman. Make him a snack.

Sweep and mop kitchen.

Start water for tea, maybe center myself to focus. 

Replace toothbrush and rinse. 

The dishwasher is done, may as well put these away while I have time and it’s quiet and distraction-free. 

Pour tea. Migrate to desk (in living room).

Living room is cluttered, quickly reorganize so I can focus while tea cools.

Sit down, figure I can make a google tasks list for tomorrow before my thoughts fly away.

Maybe a grocery list too.

Sip tea, fight the urge to reorganize the bomb testing zone that is my desk.

SLIP INTO HALTING PHYSICAL EXHAUSTION AND MENTAL HAZE.

But there’s just one last thing, it could help me get ahead later if I do it now. 

There is never not “one last thing” before I do the main “thing”.

This is my (female born, now a parent of small children) brain on ADHD, or 

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

yours might be different, but this is my experience

My time is continuously spent balancing between choosing the most efficient thing I can be doing right now/the task most easily done in my current environment versus not being able to executively function because my environment is too overwhelming to find a starting place. 

Welcome to my bouncy ball brain. Where every task has a never ending infinity of more important subtasks that need done before it. Settling on a starting task is often near impossible, much like catching a runaway bouncy ball. Once you’ve done the work to commit to and start the task, staying focused is a very fragile thing. It is either very easy to knock us off balance or not be able to get through to us while we hyperfixate. We’re either wind tossed or immovable. A feather or a rhino. We do not get to choose which one our brain wants to go with at that moment and have to work around it, go with it or fight against it. Whether it fits our plans or not. No matter how much we may dislike it.

Tornado vs Couch Potato is how I refer to this “balance”, though that doesn’t feel totally explanatory because I’m not choosing crippling sedentary dysfunction (waiting until the environment calms to move forward, or removing myself entirely) nor easily derailed hyperactivity (running-start-tackling a larger, more in-depth/physically demanding task and being diverted by outside distractions, necessary pauses or sheer exhaustion).

I am part of what some call the “Lost Girls”.

I didn’t coin this term but have stumbled upon it too many places to find the true source.

Females in their mid-twenties to early thirties and above finding that their comorbid (coexisting) anxiety, depression, disordered eating, and/or other mental health and neurodivergent factors are stemming from undiagnosed and unmanaged ADD/ADHD. 

**If you grew up in the 1990s, you might remember the boom in the ADHD diagnosis of adolescent boys that I remember followed by the wave of the medical miracle that is stimulant style medication. This great wave washed out and marooned what would come to be the Lost Girls. 

If you’ve found yourself in the Lost Girls Club, WELCOME, I’m new here too. 

Let’s see if we can’t find where we left our coffee?

Often thought to be “gifted” (intelligent), quiet, shy, introverted, lazy, daydreamers, creatives, bookworms, picky, antisocial, anxious interrupters, emotional, sensitive, forgetful, inattentive, night owls, sometimes loud, typically bored, and often “space cadets”, we didn’t fit the mold of the typical “male child” symptoms associated with ADD/ADHD (typically more physically hyperactive vs mentally). It truly was considered a “little boys” disorder.

It left girls undiagnosed/underdiagnosed and more likely to develop and be treated solely for comorbid disorders as noted above.

(I was treated for ONLY depression and insomnia in my high school years and on).

Why the Lost Girls and the blatant Boys’ Only club style diagnosis? 

Quality of life is a big factor. 

I know what you’re thinking, but nope, I’m not talking about the ADHD person’s quality of life (we haven’t known anything else, so we operate under the assumption this IS the quality of ALL lives). I’m talking about their caregivers. I don’t mean this in an accusatory fashion, but little boys with ADHD can be annoying (because their brains are low on residual dopamine and require regular hits of new dopamine, and “hyperactivity” fits that bill perfectly, adrenaline and dopamine are great friends –  I’m not a monster, I just understand outward activity can be annoying to our neurotypical friends, it’s just reality). 

As a result, boys were overwhelmingly taken to see doctors so they could be diagnosed and  “fixed” with medication to curb the over activity that was bothersome (to their adults) solely so as to not interrupt their caregivers’ quality of life.

**I am not anti-medication, I am currently on my own brain calming regiment, stay with me here. I am anti catering solely to adult comforts when a child’s needs are being overlooked and treated as one size fits all.   

Where does this leave girls with ADHD? 

Underdiagnosed, dismissed and left behind to develop their own coping mechanisms. Lost.

Our tendencies and symptoms were/are typically more internal or dismissed as other introverted personality characteristics or emotional sensitivities. Our hyperactivity is usually in our brain, rather than in major physical activity. 

This isn’t boys vs girls. This is neurodivergence vs gendered medical bias.

ADHD & Me

My red flag? The little bird that told me?

Hearing the experiences of other women my age understanding their diagnosis, listing symptoms/tendencies in passing, and for months thinking “that’s funny, I do that too”. 

And then I remembered, my younger brother has been diagnosed with ADHD since elementary school. It was definitely looking like a possibility at that point, so I took a borderline obsessive deep dive (as one with ADHD might ought do) and did my homework on the disorder and its varying symptoms and qualifiers, more specifically for females and/or adults. 

It all made sense. Most everything “fit”. I sat on my findings for a few more months and finally mustered up the courage to talk to a doctor about a screening for a formal diagnosis. 

What better time than Covid Era 2020 than to advocate for a better future while the world stood still?

What’s the difference between diagnosed and undiagnosed? 

Why did it matter to me? 

Honestly, having a formal diagnosis let me feel seen and supported. It finally felt like I had the correct map for my own brain when I’d been trying to use one in another language for my entire life. I’d hung onto assumptions, good ‘ol fake it til you make it, and self-imposed systems to make it work up until now. It gave me the option to choose and explore medication for the things I could not work around alone.

** stimulant medication typically helps dopamine stay in the brain longer as it would in neurotypical people, making it feel more like landing five planes at once versus maybe one thousand – to quote my doctor. Some with ADHD may unknowingly or purposely self medicate with caffeine for the stimulant dopamine effect. It helps bring the brain back to “normal” levels rather than having the “wake up” effect neurotypical people might experience. 

Most importantly, a diagnosis came with a dose of GRACE. With it, I finally allowed myself to not feel less than for being a fish not knowing how to climb the tree like the monkeys all around me. Allowing myself to accept that I am not stupid, my brain is just wired a little differently. My brain is a sort of stick shift  while it feels like everyone else is rocking an automatic. I understand more of what I’m working with now and can advocate for myself to get where I want and need to be. I can make better choices in relation to life decisions based on what actually works for me rather than forcing myself to fit a neurotypical mold and being miserable. I can connect with others like me and crowdsource for better techniques to manage/work with my symptoms. 

Now I know, and knowing is half the battle. (*G.I. Joooeeeeee”)

I am finishing the chapters of my twenties and this entire time I thought this was just how everyone’s brain worked. 

I always wondered why…

I was always tired. Or raring to go. No inbetween.

Why did everyone else have more steady energy than me? 

Rather than bursts of energy and lengths of exhaustion.

Why did caffeine not help me? And why did I crave it anyway? 

(**hint, ADHD meds are stimulants, just like caffeine)

Why even though I had a great academic career on paper and tested so well through school did it feel like my peers were light years ahead of me?

Why couldn’t I remember to call my friend even though I’d been missing her dearly? 

Why did two hours feel like five minutes or vice versa?

Why I was always running late or way too early. 

Why was everyone and everything SO LOUD 

and certain noises were physically painful to me? 

How could everyone tolerate such loud music or television?

Why did the smallest of noises bother me but no one else?

Why could everyone else wear those cute Christmas sweaters or pajamas but the texture distracted me?

Why did I need subtitles even when I can technically hear just fine?

Why couldn’t I hold my thoughts longer? 

Why did I hate being given ANOTHER random errand on the end of my list?

and even, Why did I constantly lock  myself out of my car – (**hint, it’s because my brain was trying to stay three steps ahead and forgetting the task I was currently executing.)

Why could I never just stay on ONE task?

Why did I immediately forget what I was reading?

Why couldn’t I REMEMBER that one important thing?

Why were my responses always better in my head after the conversation had ended?

 Why did I hate making eye contact? 

And all of this left me feeling exhausted, less than, stupid, slow, lazy ( I have a genuine fear of being considered lazy ), frustrated, anxious, and mentally spinning out regardless of my volumes of goals and ideas tucked away in the black hole of my brain.

Executive dysfunction, a leading symptom of ADHD is the name of this game, and it feels a lot like trying to hold everything in your life in your arms (work, family, friendships, relationships, chores, errands, health, hygiene, maintenance, daily tasks, working memory,long term memory,  everything) when everyone else seems to have a nice, neat, sturdy suitcase instead while trudging through a lake of Jell-o during mosquito season.

 If you drop something, it’s gone for good. Small distractions feel huge. Getting started takes a lot of energy but once you’re going it’s hard to stop (if you do stop you’re going down and it’s going to take a while to get back up and going) and you’re definitely exhausted at the end.

Does any or all of this experience resonate with you?

If you feel like you might be part of the Lost Girls Club, it never hurts to talk with your doctor, counselor, therapist. Mental health is just as important as physical and bridging the gap in Women’s Health is a whole-body mission. Your quality of life matters.

Even if medication isn’t the path for you, there are multitudes of techniques and strategies to manage the mental turbulence and use symptoms to your advantage instead of your detriment. 

Not to mention,, ADHD is a protected disability under the Americans with Disabilities Act, and with that protection, some reasonable accommodations may be options for work or school alongside your formal diagnosis. 

Until the next installment

Do small things with great love,

Be scared and do it anyway,

You are your own best advocate,

Sara

**hyperlinks provided are not sponsored or endorsed by the author or Positively Balanced, LLC

They are provided as starting points for self research and resource compilation.

This article is a retelling of personal experience and encouragement to self advocate,

 it is not intended as medical advice.

I started an article a while back specifically about how your children hear you speak about your body, and I still will discuss that, but I’d like to expand the horizon a little. 

Stop occasionally and listen to how your kids speak to themselves and each other. Children hear much more than you think they do. They hear how you speak about your body, they hear how you speak to the other drivers on the highway, they hear how you speak when you are happy and when you are frustrated. Then they will take all this absorbed speech and begin to themselves use it. This is one reason self degrading speech in small kids is alarming because they didn’t manifest the thoughts on their own, they are repeating thoughts they’ve heard verbalized by adults in their life. 

The more I am around a large number of other people’s kids, I am noticing this more. I know I have a different way of speaking than would be common or normal for most kids. And I’ve heard my words wind their way into the kids’ speech. Most modern 5 year olds are not likely to use the word “lollygagging” but the longer the school year has gone on, the more I’ve heard it. A child the other day told me a friend was antagonizing him, a word he had previously asked me the meaning of when I’d used it.

I’ve also noticed beyond my odd lexicon, they’ve even adopted my speech patterns and habits. I make it a point to praise them when they do well. I am constantly spreading words of encouragement to the students. Gradually, the students have begun praising and encouraging one another, and doing it in the same exact manner in which I do it. They have even begun showing one another their work and congratulating each other on how well they are doing. 

In a more solemn tone, when one friend is upset, I’ve seen them go and comfort their friends more rapidly, and mimic the same movements and tones they see me use when I am comforting a hurting friend. They see every movement I make, and I can see in real time how I am unconsciously imparting myself onto them. 

Many adults are more than likely unaware of how they are affecting their children in how they speak. Particularly when they aren’t speaking to the child. But it is very important to remember that children hear and see much much more than we think they do. Children repeat what they hear. So, perhaps you and your partner discuss current politics at the dinner table, your kids will repeat it at school. If your kids hear you and your partner arguing, they will mimic you when they get into an argument with their friends. This isnt always a negative thing, but it can be. 

Studies show that children in Elementary school are already showing displeasure in their physical appearance and wish to be more thin. Elementary School. That’s ages 7-11. Preschool teachers have reported children as young as 2-5 developing negative self images. Where are kids that young getting the idea that they are fat and ugly and need to be on diets? Why are such small children so negatively speaking about themselves? They hear it from adults. 

“But I would never tell my child they were fat!!” parents may say. No, I don’t think you do. What I do think is that you probably don’t realize your child hears you speak about yourself. You probably don’t think they notice when you grimace in the mirror. You don’t notice how you talk to yourself in the grocery store about needing to eat healthier because of all that extra weight you’ve put on. They soak in everything. They see your relationship with food, with your body, with your self image. 

How do you react when you are frustrated? I bet your children could tell you. They see that too, and they emulate it. I can see it in the children in the classroom. Do you huff and yell when you are frustrated? Do you give up and say you can’t do it? Kids see how you act when things aren’t going your way, and they see it as a model for their own frustrating situations. 

How you purposely speak to your children is important too. I can tell you exactly which parents make a point to praise their children and compliment them because these are the children that throw praise and compliments around like confetti. I’m glad to say, it’s quite a few of them. Most children I am incontact with are oozing with love and confidence. But the difference is we are very aware of this speech and take care to do it appropriately. It’s the times we aren’t thinking about it that shock us. 

Look, I’m not an overflowing well of self confidence. I’ve complained about my tummy pudge. I’ve verbally berated myself for being stupid. I’ve gotten angry at my partner and said mean things I shouldn’t have. None of us are perfect. However, being aware of how much kids recreate their parents behaviour has made me so much more conscious of my own behaviour and speech.

Some of the ways you can help your children in this area is in part the deliberate way you speak to them. When they are really getting on your nerves, how do you respond to them? This will inform them both about your relationship with them and how to respond to others who irritate them. Do you ask them open-ended questions and listen to them answer? This will open the opportunity to discuss big questions and how they view the world. Are you allowing them to engage with the grocery shopping and cooking process? This will help them shape their view of food and health. Do you praise them when they do well or when they do something you ask? This will reinforce positive behaviour and speech. Have you ever sat down with your kids and asked them to tell you a story about their favorite activity and why it’s their favorite? This lets them know their feelings are important and they are valuable. Are you speaking down to them or in a level respectful way? All of these things are things parents can be aware and conscious of when they are speaking directly to their children. All of them will affect how they interact with other people, with you, and how they see themselves. How you are directly speaking to them does make a big difference. How you listen to them is equally as important. 

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There are however indirect ways in which our kids absorb our speech and behaviours. These happen when our kids see and hear us talk or act, but we aren’t speaking to them. These may be in how they see us interact with other adults and what we talk about with them. What we do when we get into disagreements with our partner or how we speak to our partners on a daily basis. How we speak to ourselves about ourselves. Are you using positive language to talk about yourself? This isn’t just in regards to physical appearance, though it does apply to that. How do you speak to yourself when you make a mistake? Do you say, “Oh, I’m so dumb!”? This shows them when they mess up, they are dumb, becasue you think you are. How do you speak to yourself when you are struggling with a task? This tells children how you persevere and how they should. Children see how we deal with these situations as well and they will internalize them. 

On the most basic level, the manner in which you speak is being imparted to them. Do you talk in a soft airy voice or a loud booming voice? Are you likely to use the word “jazzed” in common conversation? What word do you say when you stub your toe? I promise your kids notice this and interject it into their speech. Your patterns, syntax and vocabulary are all being heard and emulated by your kids. Again, this is not necessarily a bad thing. As I mentioned above, the kids in my room are learning new and unusual words from me and expanding their vocabulary and that is good. Your child trying to sound like you when you speak is just a way they look up to you. But it has potential to be dangerous so be careful. I’ve also heard kids call each other cruel names that aren’t normal for 4-6 year olds, or scream and belittle each other when they are mad at one another. We give our kids so much more than we realize just by being our normal selves. That is why it is so important to be sure we are giving them something positive.

In summary, your kids are watching you and will internalize your behaviors and adopt them. We, as the adults in children’s lives need to be more aware of what we are modeling for them to absorb. We intend to give them good things to copy, but we don’t always achieve that goal. It’s okay. We can all always do better, no matter who you are, so be aware of yourself. And maybe, like myself, this means we need to learn to love and appreciate ourselves a little bit more to be sure we are teaching our kids to love and appreciate themselves. 

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I work at my local library in administration. In November when we had to close our doors again due to the increase in the COVID cases, the director and myself discussed bringing back our monthly book discussion via Zoom.  We have some new staff at the library who do not have book club experience and we thought this would give the new staff an opportunity to take over some of the book clubs before we re-open. The second book we read was called Dept of Speculation by Jenny Offill. This is a very short book of a portrait of a marriage. It is also a beguiling rumination on the mysteries of intimacy, trust, faith, knowledge, and the condition of universal shipwreck that unites us all.  The staff leader of the discussion who picked out the book stated “you will either love it or hate it.” 

During the discussion, which I agree, most of us either loved it or hated it, with one person staying neutrally in the middle, the discussion leader started to talk about happiness. This discussion lead into a deeper discussion on whether we thought the main character was happy. Before I proceed, I want to share that this staff person is a very happy person. At least she seems to be.  She is enthusiastic, energetic, and always smiling.  I wasn’t surprised that she asked this question about the main character being happy.  After we discussed whether we thought the main character was happy, the staff leader asked if we can remember three times in our lives that we were very happy.  She is referring to being joyful, over the moon happy.

And I froze.

This was the moment like in grammar school when I hope the teacher did not call on me to answer. I couldn’t. Suddenly I am nervous and wracking my brain to think of an answer in case she or someone else asks.  And I couldn’t. But here’s the thing. I knew I was not going to be able to answer this question. It’s not that in my heart I don’t feel joy because I do. And it’s not that I am a negative person who always see’s the bad in any moment.  I just can’t reflect on a time when I felt so over the moon happy. 

Others mentioned their wedding day, birth of their children, a move to another state or a job. I found this interesting because they all said the same thing; Wedding, children, a vacation with their spouse. I wanted to ask them “besides that, when were you truly happy?”  I will be honest, I was not happy on my wedding day. I was scared and thinking how was I going to get out of this. Even just before we walked down the aisle my father said “are you sure?” I wasn’t sure. But I was scared of what people would think of me if I backed out. I felt corned and trapped and I knew this was not going to be good. And it wasn’t.  I have three children and the birth of my first was an emergency caesarian which meant the second two were going to be cesareans as well. I loved my children and I cried when they were born. I felt a deep love for them. But my marriage was so bad, I was afraid all the time. I was afraid to feel happy because I knew the rug was going to get pulled out from under me.

Going forward, it was all about survival. There have been times over the years where I felt happy for my children, and happy for others but I cannot say I have felt happy. Good things have happened over the years but I honestly worry, because if something is good, it’s going to go bad. I think I have always had this fear which has just prevented me from letting go, and feeling complete joy. I know this. And it makes me sad. I see people like the staff book leader who as just so happy and I envy it. I just wish I could.  I also think this has prevented me from establishing some deep friendships. I care about people, and I want friends, but I just don’t believe or trust that people really care about me.

My walk buddy often talks about these long-term friendships she has with friends from elementary school or high school. I admire this. I always wanted this. It’s just I never believed I mattered much to others.  So, I think about this a lot. I went through old pictures looking for ones where I looked happy.  

So thinking about this article, what to write and what to share. I wonder, when have others felt truly and completely happy? What would you say to someone like me? What brings you joy, what makes you smile?  I am not a fan of journaling but for Lent, I decided to spend some time doing this. My goal, is to write down what makes me feel happy. Maybe it will help me find some answers.

About Mary

My name is Mary Holtrop and I am in my mid 60’s. I have been active and exercised my entire life. When I was young my siblings and I were always active, running, playing, and riding bikes everywhere. When I got to my teens I started playing organized sports such as field hockey, basketball and volleyball. I played basketball and volleyball for my high school and college teams. During college I started running and I loved it. But by the time I was 30 I had my first set of knee surgeries. I married, had 3 children all who played organized sports from the time they entered kindergarten. Keeping my family active was important to me. All three of my kids played college level sports and two now run marathons. Meanwhile, I walked, biked and did exercise videos all the way up to this day. I exercise daily, mostly walking, biking, yoga and classical stretch/essentrics. I strongly believe that exercise is good for your mind and your body. I work as a business manager for a public library. I have worked in libraries for 17 years all in administrative capacity. I live in a small town about 70 miles west of Chicago and I am happy there are bike trails close by for me to explore.

Our teens athletes have more on their plate than just about any previous generation. Youth are specializing in sports at younger and younger ages, which means not only an increase in the number of chronic use injuries and recurring pain, but also in the amount of pressure our teens are under to perform well in their chosen sport.

Gone are the days of multisport participation in school and the three-season athlete. More and more, our teens are competing for spots on both their school and club teams, with pressure from all directions to be great.

In addition to the demands of their sport training, our teens are also having to prove themselves academically. There is a rise for being the well-rounded student-athlete, with high performance being asked for in both the classroom and on the field. Enrolling in AP class beginning their Freshman year is the norm. Applying for Ivy League and Division I programs, with the hope of recruitment to a sports team, as well as acceptance to the college is the goal.

Our teens are rising at dawn for pre-school training, transitioning from after school practice to club practice, grabbing a bite on the run and burning the midnight oil to get their schoolwork done. Add to this other extracurricular activities, such as Youth Group and volunteering, and it’s a wonder many of our teens are still upright!

It isn’t surprising that increasingly teens are struggling with burnout and overwhelm these days. We are asking a lot, and if we think about it, we’re asking our teens to take on much more than many adults would be willing to. As parents, we do our best to support them, but in reality we’re struggling with our own bouts of overwhelm and may not fully understand what our teens are going through in our own attempts to keep it together.

So, what’s to be done? As parents, our number one focus needs to be monitoring how our teen athletes are handling the loads that they are juggling. Are we seeing any signs of burnout or distress? If we do, are we helping them learn how to manage their time and priorities, and advocating for their health by connecting them to counselors, or running interference with overbearing coaches? We have great goals for our kids and will do anything to support their dreams, but just as we would throw ourselves in front of a bus to save them, we have to help them protect their physical and mental health as well.

Burnout affects the athlete in various stages:

The athlete is placed in a situation that involves new or varying demands on their physical ability and time management

The athlete at some point – usually early on as a young athlete, or later if a more experienced athlete – views the demands as excessive or non-productive

The athlete feels as if their performance is being hampered by the demands of participation and the inability to rest and recover

The athlete starts experiencing subtle signs and symptoms of physical and mental burnout

Burnout takes place and the physical and mental toll on the athlete impacts their lives and performance on and off the field, perhaps even discontinuing sports participation

Signs and symptoms of burnout include:

Leveling off or diminished performance or conditioning, including strength and stamina losses, chronic fatigue, and recurring pain & injury.

Physiological signs such as having a higher resting heart rate and blood pressure

Cognitive issues such as difficulty in concentration or diminished work in school, forgetfulness

Illnesses as a result of suppressed immune system

Emotional issues such as disinterest, moodiness, irritability

Low self-esteem, increased anxiety and depression as a result of falling short of sport demands

As parents, it’s important that we’re aware of the signs and symptoms of burnout in our kids. When we notice some of the signs above, we must be their advocates to take action. This means gathering the team around – the coaches, athletic trainer, teachers, counselors, and of course the athlete themselves. This is the time to start assessing the situation and make sure that her training aligns with her future goals. 

This may mean taking yourself out of the dreaming stage and truly listening to what your teen wants. What are their goals? What do they feel like they can handle right now? There’s a good chance that they want to make you and their coaches happy, and they need to be assured that their wants are being heard and the team is working in their best interests now – even if the long-term plan has changed.

If you don’t have a mental health professional or teen coach who works with athletes as a part of your team, this is the time to bring one in. Often our teens just need an outside adult to help them craft a plan and work on shifting their mindset a bit. Letting go is a key for many teens who have that athletic-mindset. Many teen athletes feel a need to be perfect and set the bar much higher than what can be achieved in the current situation. Teen coaches and therapists can help teens start letting go of the unrealistic goals that others have put on them, and begin to adopt new habits and mindset shifts that are manageable and aligned to their goals. Similarly, teens also need to learn to work through and let go of negative emotions that come up when feeling stressed. Once they tap into the root of those emotions, teens can learn to step back and look at them with a neutral eye and better address the underlying triggers. Often, the act of simply letting go of the idea that you are not enough or have to do more, can greatly reduce overwhelm and allow for clearer focus on the things that matter.

The demands on our teens aren’t going away anytime soon, but if we, as parents, begin to notice the signs of overwhelm and burnout when they begin to creep up, those demands become more manageable. There may be tears, there may be hurt feelings (for us), but part of our roles as parents is to protect our teens health – physical and mental. Recognizing the signs of burnout is one of the best forms of protection we can give.

Find out more about Beth and what she does at https://shemoveswellness.com/.