Social Health

Recently I discovered an account on Facebook and Instagram called Sister, I Am With You and the initial post I read hit me hard! 

I couldn’t find the original when I went back to look for it, but they talked about inviting friends to do things and being the friend that invites. 

It hit me so hard because I am that friend that longs to be invited to things. This is even more true since having a baby. 

I see my other mom friends posting things about going to events and out to explore and I always look at the posts like, I wish I could have gone with them. They take their kids to the zoo and they go to the aquarium, they go to new places and historical places… and while they have more than one kiddo and some of their kiddos are older, I still long to be there involved in the excitement. 

I have come to the conclusion that I am just not good at finding events and different things to do. The original article I found talked about being the one to do the inviting… But half the time I am at a loss about what the heck to go and do!

I get discouraged when I think, ooh that event looks fun… but who in the world would want to go with me??

What I really need to do is just start texting everyone I know and see who would be able to go with me… But what I want others to realize also, is to take the initiative to invite someone that you might not think would want to go, or to invite someone even if you may think what you are doing is mundane or uninteresting. 

I have a couple of girlfriends who homeschool their kids and they are ALWAYS doing fun or interesting things. I would LOVE to be invited to some of the things they do, and I have voiced that to them, and I understand when you are in the heat of things you might not always think about how someone else could benefit from where you are going or what you are doing. 

I want to encourage you though, to maybe take that pause and think about which of your friends may want in on the experience… and it doesn’t even have to be extravagant or super well planned out.  

Going on a day trip on a whim? Invite Her.

Taking your kids to the park in a few hours? Invite Her.

Making a Target run? Invite Her.

Going on a “field trip” with the homeschool group? Invite Her. (Especially if her kids are younger than school age, who knows, you may inspire her to homeschool later on.)

Zoo, Aquarium, Children’s Museum? Invite Her.

Day out exploring nature or going on a hike? Invite Her.

Brunch or shopping? Invite Her!

I can not tell you enough how much it would mean to me if I was invited to more things. 

I have a friend that told me once, “I may not always go, but I want to know that I’m invited.” And you know what, I make sure I invite her, especially to non kid things, because I know she would benefit from that small break where she could be kid free… but like she said, she may not always go, so I don’t feel sad when she says she will pass on going or might be able to next time. 

SHE WANTS TO FEEL WANTED. I WANT TO FEEL WANTED…

Especially so much by other ladies who look like their lives are planned out by the minute, and by the ladies who look like they have their whole life together, and by the ladies who sometimes let their kids take the lead and just simply have fun.

We WANT to be around you! We want to know how you always know what to do and we want to learn! 

I truly believe that you are the sum of the 6 people you spend the most time with… Mom friends and single lady friends and older ladies who have much life experience. 

Especially during these crazy times we are living in!! We all KNOW that isolation can be devastating. We crave that time together, even you introverts… As much as you might think otherwise, you need that human interaction. 

There was another post on the Sister, I Am With You page where the author talked about the seven things she looks for in a friend. You know what!? They were simple, everyday things that we as women NEED. 

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NO Judgement.

They are themselves and they let me be myself. Authenticity.

Givers, not just takers.

They are not easily offended.

They don’t pretend. They don’t try to be perfect all the time.

They see the best in others and in life.

We can laugh together.

Read the whole thing by clicking on the link… See if there are any areas that you excel in, where do you need work? I know there are some that I need to work on for sure!

None of us are perfect, but all of us want to be wanted… All of us need to feel needed. I am no exception, and you my friend, neither are you.

I hope I inspired you to think about inviting someone you might not have thought about first off. I hope I inspired you to be the kind of friend you want in your life, and most of all… be a light in someone else’s life. 

You never know, you might just be their saving grace.

Much love, Jessica Wilkerson

Fifteen years ago I began research for my Masters thesis (https://epublications.regis.edu/theses/20/)  regarding how extracurricular activities improve academic performance in teens. If I’d only known then what I would experience working with teens over the past 20 years, and then what I’m seeing today in light of the COVID situation, I think I would have expanded on what I discovered. 

The research was clear – teens who participate in extracurricular activity do better academically, are more confident, and usually have more successful adult careers and lives. But the interesting part of the research that sticks with me to this day is why that outcome is as it is. There are really two main pieces for the success of these teens – the non-parent adult influence and their peer community.

While many teens may put on a show where they find parents and adults as being “lame”, most will admit at least one adult in their lives who they respect and who can influence their decisions. We all know that the brain is still developing during adolescence, and that the decision-making areas of the brain don’t mature until we are in our 20s. This is why many of us slap our heads at the dumb decisions we made as kids and wonder what we were thinking and, in a sense, we weren’t. However, it’s important for teens to have that respected adult to bounce their ideas off of who can help guide their choices by relating their own experiences to the teen. 

While it’s extremely important that parents remain an active part of their teens lives, it’s also important that teens have contact with non-parent adults regularly. Often these come in the form of coaches, teachers, youth group leaders, and the like. This type of interaction builds teens’ sense of optimism, which contributes to confidence in their ability to excel in a variety of areas. One place where this non-parent mentor can easily be found would be at a friend’s home. How we interact with our kids’ friends, starting at a young age, could make a difference in their lives. 

My mom was one of those parents, and I know I had some friends’ parents who were the same. Everyone knew who my mom was – she was always volunteering and was often in the schools. Our house was the “safe place” to come and hang, and my mom was often invited to be a part of our conversations. My mom was a safe confidant to many of my friends, and who I often am reminded of during my own work with teens.

“Speaking Teen” really isn’t as hard as it looks, and honestly I think that many of us try too hard. 

Think back to when you were a kid. The cool moms weren’t always the ones who let us get away with everything, or bought us beer, or who were the “hot moms”. Often the cool moms were the ones who could be counted on to take you where you needed to go. Who you knew you could call if you were in trouble. Who you felt like you could call “mom” because she was an extension of your family. Another parent who you could talk to but didn’t have the risk of getting in trouble. That is the supportive adult who we need to be for these kids today.

So what are some tips on working with teens when you’re not their parents? Here are a few suggestions that I’ve found helpful over the past 20 years:

1. Have the tough conversations with them.

Don’t be afraid to ask those hard questions or to open yourself up to that conversation when needed. Our teens are struggling. Sometimes they need an adult who seems to care and can listen without rolling their eyes about the drama that’s going on. We know now that most of those situations are minor, but think back to when you were a kid. The conflict going on in your life was everything. Failing a test, a falling out with a friend, a break up, an unplanned pregnancy. Teens need someone who can sit and listen, empathize with them, and then give advice if asked. 

2. Don’t try to be cool.

Seriously, don’t. Teens see right through you. Don’t be the 40-year-old mom who still likes to party. Be fun and have fun with them,  but don’t try to turn yourself back into a teen. Part of the reason that teens do connect with adults as mentors is because there is a boundary. You can relate to what they are going through, but you can also acknowledge that it’s a bit different than when you were a teen. And let’s face it – adults trying to speak the teen lingo just sound idiotic. Don’t be that mom.

3. Stay up on what’s going on in their world.

This is important. Listen to their conversations when you’re driving carpool. Pay attention when you’re at Target or watching TV. What is going on in their lives. Many teens these days have deep passions for political and environmental campaigns. Or they have clear ideas about who they are now and who they want to be in the future. That’s important to know and recognize, especially if you find yourself in a guiding role and helping them overcome an obstacle.

4. Let them be the teacher.

This is connected to the previous recommendation. Let the teens teach you something. Ask them their opinion on a topic or for an explanation of something you’re unfamiliar with. Teens love the change to teach adults. You’ll have to decide if they are open to debate and questioning of views (some are and some are pretty set in their ways – just like adults). We have to remember that teens often do have something to teach us, and we need to be open to that education.

5. Connect with other adults in their lives.

This is key. Teens tend to share different aspects of their lives with different people. It makes sense as we do the same thing. Make sure you know who their mentors are, and if you are the mentor, make sure you connect with their parents. These connections are key especially if a teen finds herself in a state of crisis and if she withdraws. Adults can then ban together to help the teen. In my work as an athletic trainer and teacher I’ve often seen the situation where I teen is telling different adults different versions of the same story. When we were able to connect as adults and share what versions we were told, then we were able to work together to develop a solution that could help the teen. None of us are more important than the others, but we do all have our roles that we fill in a teen’s life.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, the second benefit of extracurricular activities for teens is their peer community. This is a place where I feel that many of our teens are falling short these days, and especially so in the aftermath of COVID. Teens need their community. They need to be surrounded by others who also experience first-hand the struggles and triumphs that are going on. Who they learn new skills from – empathy, conflict resolution, and decision-making. 

Our teens need their social circles, and while we as adults can monitor what’s going on there, we really need to just step back and let it be. We often worry about our teens falling in with the wrong crowd, but how about when they fall into the right one? Being a part of organized activities, especially ones where behavior and school performance are connected in a way to their ability to fully participate in that activity, are especially helpful because the group encourages each other to stay out of trouble so they can all be together. If our teen loses their connection to these communities – removal from a sport (from age, ability, financial, etc.), moving to a new town or school, or similar – they can also lose their identities, and this can be a scary place for teens. 

As adults, this is where our mentoring skills can be helpful. How can we help teens reconnect with their peer groups? Can we find a new team for them to be a part of, or a new role in their own team? Do we need to reach out via text or invite them to coffee for a check in? Do we have the ability to create something where teens are welcome to come and hang, and that provides opportunity for peer-to-peer connection?  

In these situations the best role for the adult is to be a facilitator. Be available to help if asked, but otherwise let the teens control the dynamics on their own. They desperately need this. It could be in the form of a virtual meetup right now, and then expands to a small group later. It’s allowing your teen to go about with her friends and trusting that she understands what to do to keep herself safe – because you taught her that, right? It’s giving space and allowing for silence, but making sure they know that you are available when they are ready. It’s being able to call one of their friends and ask them to come over because you teen needs support, but not from you right now. It is being able to step back and watch the chaos unfold, resisting every urge to stop the pain and fix it, but also being willing to help pick up the pieces when it’s over. It’s helping your teen develop her own circle of support and teaching her how to use it. 

Being a teen is hard. We all know this because we’ve all experienced it. We all think we’ll do a better job of handling our own teens than our parents did with us, and we probably will. But, we will also fail in some areas. However, if we can better provide support for all teens and not just our kids, then we can also help fill a hole where another teens’ parent could not.

Learn more about Beth at http://shemoveswellness.com/

Geriatric. It’s a word that I didn’t expect to have associated with me for many more decades, but about 10 years ago I heard it for the first time. “You’re a ‘Geriatric Primigravidae”, the midwife told me. Basically I was a first-time mom over the age of 35 and was being told that there were some special considerations for my pregnancy. 

Luckily the birth center and midwives who helped me through that first pregnancy weren’t into classifying me as high risk, and I was able to have normal pregnancy without the many tests, and an unmedicated birth at the birth center. Two and a half years later at the age of 39, I enjoyed the homebirth of my daughter. All were fine and normal. My babies were healthy. At the time, that was all I cared about.

Shortly after my son was born I realized that I was in a class of moms who were different from those around me. I was older with young kids, a self-proclaimed “midlife mom”, and the path of motherhood that we travel is a bit different than those of women who had their kids in their 20s and early 30s. Not better or worse, but different. 

At first it was hard. Most of my friends had kids in middle and high school and had long said goodbye to the trials of infancy and toddlerhood. They were sympathetic, but were not a group who I could talk to about the struggles I was making transitioning to life as a mom. The women in mommy groups I attended never quite clicked with me. In the MOPS group I attended, I had more in common with the “Mentor Moms”, those who had older kids and were there to support the new moms, than I did with the main group. I was older, and frankly my personal style just didn’t gel with the other moms of littles in the group. I felt disconnected and alone, just when I was in such a vulnerable season of life. I didn’t have a mommy friend who understood the struggle I was having in shifting my identity and transitioning from a life I had lived for 35 years previous to where I was now.

By the time my son was born, I had acquired two Bachelor’s degrees, a Masters in Education, and had pursued at least two different career paths. I had worked for 15 years and had lived alone and independent for 13 of those. I had lived an entire life that many of the moms I met didn’t have experience in as they had often transitioned from college to marriage to motherhood.  They were looking at getting their pre-baby bodies back, and I was juggling the emotional swing of both postpartum and perimenopause. They were back at their 6am gym class by 3 months postpartum and I was wondering if I would ever have another full night of sleep again! 

Eventually I realized that I wasn’t alone. As my kids entered school I finally started to meet other moms my age. We all marveled that there were more of us. Where had we all been during the younger years, we wondered? I think many of us had retreated into hiding to figure out how to handle the mess of hormones and random bodily fluids we had become. As many of us were Gen X’ers, we’re pretty adept at figuring things out on our own. But man, was I glad to finally find my tribe and we all started chatting, it was clear that there are some major benefits to being a “midlife mom”.

1. We’re more stable. Most of us have established careers, or our husbands do. The stress of adding kids to the mix wasn’t a financial stress as it may have been in my 20s and early 30s, when I was still getting started financially. Many of us own homes and are prepared to what it means for our budgets to expand our families.
2. We’re experienced, intentional, and have more perspective. Personally, I had two Bachelor’s and a Masters degree before I had kids. I had explored a few different career paths, traveled internationally, and had the freedom to make dramatic life changes on a spur of the moment. By the time my kids came along, I was ready to settle down and be a mom. The experiences I had before they came along have given me a different perspective in their interests and education. 
3. We’re more chill. We may not always be the “cool” moms, but most of us are a bit more laid-back than some of the younger moms. We remember a childhood free to explore and play, and while we understand that our society has changed where our kids may not be able to have the same freedom, we are not hovering around waiting to save them for every possible negative outcome. Climbing a tree, jumping from swings, and getting in an argument with another child doesn’t stress us out as much.
4. We’re more confident and less judgemental. We know that every person has to take their own journey and find their own path. As we hit midlife, we’ve been through the wringer and have finally come into our own. While we may look at other parents’ decisions with curiosity, we don’t tend to judge them quite as harshly as we may have when we were younger. Also, we are fairly confident in the decision we make for our kids. We’re OK with our kids not being into the same activities as their friends and classmates. My daughter has never wanted a big birthday party with friends. At one point in my life it would really stress me out, thinking about the socialization she was missing because of this preference, but honestly I’m OK with it now. I see that she still has friends, gets asked to parties, and wants smaller playdates and I understand that 100%.
5. We have more patience. Well, some of us. This one was definitely a toss-up. For some, the journey to motherhood was preceded by years of infertility and treatments, and just waiting each month for those two pink lines. Some of us have just experienced a lot in life already. For example, my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s shortly before my oldest was born. By the time my youngest came along, I was juggling potty-training my daughter and also helping my mom with toileting. Temper tantrums on both ends. Patience is something I’ve definitely acquired along the way. However, some of us feel like parenting is trying now that we’re older, that we don’t have as much as we did when we were younger. I definitely can see both sides. Personally, I do think most of us are very patient, but when we’re done, we’re done, and the eruption is usually not pleasant.

Being a midlife mom isn’t all chill and calm. We have difficulties that many of us would gladly trade with those moms younger than us. For one, most of us had to navigate not only the hormonal chaos of pregnancy and postpartum, but immediately shifted into perimenopause.

Which means most of us have been a hormonal mess since our pregnancies – which is why sometimes our patience runs thin. We are also the sandwich generation, caring for our young kids while simultaneously taking care of parents in their 70s and 80s. Because we have older parents, many of us don’t have some of the childcare options available to those who are in their 20s and 30s – our parents aren’t well enough to handle the kids alone. And for some of us, our we struggle to keep up with the energy that our younger mommy friends exude. I often read posts from younger friends of days full of crafts, work, fitness, and a home-cooked meal. I can do all of those, but everyday you’ll have one emotionally fried woman on your hands. Parenting is exhausting, and I think many midlife moms feel it a bit more (although many of us are pretty good at hiding that fact).

Would I change anything about my parenting journey? Nope. I can’t imagine having kids at any other point of my life. If I had my kids when I was younger, I wouldn’t be the woman who I am today. I am thrilled that the other midlife moms are starting to come out of hiding and connect. Personally, and of course there is a lot of bias here, I think we’re a pretty amazing group of women with a unique perspective on raising kids honed by watching our friends go through the parenting process before we set out on our own. Ideally, moms of all ages would come together and collectively share their parenting advice. Midlife moms could help counsel younger moms as the kids get older and they start looking at career options, and the younger moms can help the older moms to maintain their youthfulness and play – get us out of the house past 9pm on occasion. Just because we’re older and looking in the face of menopause, doesn’t mean we don’t know how to have some fun.

Beth hosts two communities where women can connect with her and also other women to find support, resources, and fun events – She Moves Social Club (www.shemovesathleticwellness.com) and Midlife Moms Adventure Club (www.midlifemomsadventureclub.com).